Boundaries
I want to:
Boundaries are crucial to any relationship, but this can be a new territory for rangatahi. Mutual respect, communication and consent are crucial in fostering healthy connections and avoiding harm. Dive in with us as we explore how we can help rangatahi build strong foundations for future relationship and encourage personal growth.
The Facts
Though boundaries aren't always talked about, they're often crossed or not established. Check out the stats below to understand how the consequences can affect rangatahi in Aotearoa.
Key Statistics
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20%
of females aged 12-18 in a relationship reported having experienced unwanted sexual behaviour in the last 12 months.
*New Zealand Family Violence Clearing House: Preventing adolescent relationship abuse and promoting healthy relationships.
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9%
of males aged 12-18 in a relationship reported having experienced unwanted sexual behaviour in the last 12 months.
*New Zealand Family Violence Clearing House: Preventing adolescent relationship abuse and promoting healthy relationships.
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29%
of rangatahi aged 15-19 reported being hit or harmed by another person in a relationship.
*Youth2000 Survey Series: '12 Prevalence Tables.
Boundaries Explained
Discover the risks associated with crossing boundaries and the impact it can have on rangatahi. Join us as we delve into the topic, promoting a positive understanding of relationship boundaries.
Lack of Consent
What it is
Consent is crucial and ensures involved rangatahi are comfortable and willing to engage in a sexual activity. If someone expresses lack of consent, whether verbal (saying "no", "wait" or going silent) or physical (retreating, avoiding eye contact or getting dressed), it's important that it be respected. Unfortunately, lack of consent can sometimes be met by demeaning or resentful responses.
Possible Drivers
- Social and cultural norms
- Pressure around gender roles
- Influence of pornography downplaying consent
- Communication challenges
- Insecurity / fear of rejection
- Lack of sex education
- Lack of experience in relationships
Impacts
Ignoring consent emphasises the idea that someone's voice doesn't matter, leading to a range of harmful impacts:
- Broken trust, impacting relationships
- Shame, self-blame and humiliation
- Normalisation of submission and unhelpful gender stereotypes If consent is ignored once, it's also much harder to understand going forward
Power and Control
What it is
Some relationships feature an abuse of power and control. This can be expressed as intimidation, unfair accusations, violations of privacy, control around who someone can see, public humiliation or monitoring movements. Often, those abusing power in a relationship will minimise or deny using these behaviours.
Possible Drivers
- Pressure around gender roles
- Insecurity / fear of rejection
- Lack of trust
- Past abuse or victimisation
- Exposure to negative role models
- Need for dominance
Impacts
Rangatahi using power and control in relationships lead to social isolation, depression, fear, and reduced agency for the controlled person. It can result in disrupted sleep or eating patterns, self-loathing, denial, powerlessness, and even violence or self-harm in more serious instances.
Fixation
What it is
Fixation can be described as an intense and overwhelming display of attention or affection. This can be shown as love bombing (constant communications, requests to spend time together, grand gestures, unwanted gifts) and can go as far as physical tracking (unexpected visits, cyberstalking, following).
Possible Drivers
- Social and cultural norms
- Seeking acceptance
- Influence of social media and pop culture
- Romanticisation of impulsive behaviours
- Understanding of gifts as a way to gain affection
- Insecurity / fear of rejection
- Lack of experience in relationships
Impacts
For rangatahi experiencing fixation, it can make them feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, obligated, or unsafe. It can socially alienate the person doing it, lead them to think transactionally about relationships, and cause resentment if their expectations are not met.
Pressure
What it is
Pressure can look like insisting on sexual activity or a relationship through begging, demanding, or risky requests. It may involve continuous asking or wearing down, or even using bribery, coercion, and blackmail like threats of exposure.
Possible Drivers
- Social and cultural norms
- Pressure to match others' sexual experiences
- Growing sex drive
- Influence of pornography downplaying consent
- Lack of education on consent
- Lack of empathy for others' needs
Impacts
Unwanted pressure creates unhealthy relationship dynamics where one person isn't listened to. This can lead them to take part in sexual activities they don't want to do, feel unsafe or even be victims of violence. Non-consensual sexual activity can also have real legal consequences.
High-risk Sexual Activities
What it is
High risk sexual activities are sexual engagements that increase the vulnerability of rangatahi. They can be activities which take place in high-risk spaces (public locations), with strangers (online or in-person), in a transactional manner (for money or substances) or out of a trauma response.
Possible Drivers
- Curiosity
- Peer pressure and influence
- Desire for connection
- Desire for control
- Desire to regulate emotions through sex
- Influence of drugs or alcohol
- Influence of social media
- Trauma response
- Low self-worth
- Financial motivation
Impacts
Because of their high-risk nature, these activities increase the risk of physical/emotional harm, unwanted pregnancies, and STIs. Alongside contributing to unclear boundaries for themselves or relationships, these activities can also have legal repercussions.
Creating Dependency
What it is
In some relationships, dependency and isolation can be spotted when a person controls what the other says, wears, or spends money on, and who they see. They might excessively monitor or insist on constant togetherness. There's pressure to prioritise them, and they might withhold affection, or act offended if not chosen.
Possible Drivers
- Insecure attachment style
- Anxiety about the stability of the relationship
- Desire for control & enjoyment of it
- Fear of being alone
- Exposure to negative role models
Impacts
Dependency can lead to unhealthy power dynamics where fear and manipulation are normalised. It can isolate rangatahi by limiting support, and create shame for neglecting regular relationships, and establish poor relationship patterns for the future
Adolescence is a key time to learn about intimate relationships. If that introduction features issues with power, control or emotional abuse, it can really influence future relationships
Go Further
Looking to dive deeper into the topic of rangatahi and boundaries? Here is a short list of recommended resources which can help bridge any knowledge gaps and offer tips on this theme.
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Is This Relationship Safe?
This wheel dives into issues of power and control to show what a safe and unsafe relationship looks like. It's a printable resource which you can have on hand.
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New Zealand Police's Loves-Me-Not Programme
This whole-school programme delivered by New Zealamd Police is aimed at helping our younger rangatahi spot and avoid abusive relationship.
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The Difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Love
In this TED talk, Katie Hood explains how healthy relationships is an art which can be practised. She also helps viewers spot unhealthy patterns.
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What is Sexual Consent?
These two short videos produced by New Zealand Police depict how sexual content is described legally, and how rangatahi see it.
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Learning from Sophie Elliott's Story
In this free printable book, Sophie Elliott's story is explored to raise awareness on how to identify and deal with boundaries being crossed as well as relationship abuse.
Prepare
Before deciding whether a behaviour is age-typical, concerning or harmful, you'll need to ask yourself and rangatahi important questions. Use the following prompts to prepare for an evaluation by starting a meaningful kōrero.
Build Context
Consider who was involved, where it took place and when. Are there any safety risks or policy violations? What was the intent behind the action? Were there any external influences involved? Building context can help you understand and respond to the sexualised behaviour while ensuring you meet everyone's needs
Neurodiversity
Some of our rangatahi are neurodiverse. This means they process information, regulate emotions and respond to situations in different ways. Take some time to consider this when identifying concerning or harmful sexual behaviour. It may also be worth considering these unique learning patterns when looking at responding and moving forward.
Cultural Considerations
Our diverse kiwi communities are represented by many different cultures and belief systems. Our goal is to engage with rangatahi using meaningful responses while upholding their identities, values and beliefs of all individuals involved. You may need to adapt communication styles and language to align with cultural norms.
Trauma Informed Responses
Consider the possibility of rangatahi having been exposed to or experienced trauma and how this might have influenced their decisions. These experiences do not excuse their behaviour, but it may help explain it occurring.
Assess
To understand and recognise sexualised behaviour, we use a traffic light system which ranges from green behaviour (age-typical), to orange (concerning), and red (harmful). The level of intervention will depend on the situation and its impact on others, as represented by the colour.
Reminder: no matter where the situation sits on the traffic light system, it should be considered without judgement.
Green
- Mutual enjoyment in relationships
- Safe, legal and consensual sexual activity with known peers
- Open communication
- Awareness of body language
- Saying "no" is easily expressed and accepted without criticism
- Respectful conflict resolution
- Decision-making and power is shared
- Physical, sexual and emotional safety is prioritised
- Privacy and autonomy is respected
Orange
- "No" is ignored, questioned or criticised
- Lack of communication or mixed messages
- Opinions are criticised or demeaned
- Needs are being ignored
- Decision-making is one-sided
- Privacy is compromised (phone is looked through without consent)
- Public humiliation
- Access to belongings and people is controlled
- Persistent and unwanted communications
- Repetitive grand gestures or gifts
- High-risk sexual activities compromising safety
Red
- A "no" is ignored and sexual activity is engaged with anyway
- Sexual activity involving pressure, manipulation, coercion, bribery or blackmail
- Sexual activity where consent hasn't been established (alcohol or substance use, impaired cognitive functioning, sleeping)
- Intimidation and/or violence
- Destruction of property
- Threats of harm to someone else or themselves
- Harassment
- High-risk sexual activity under age (transactional, with strangers or in a public space)
*If any of the behaviours are against the law or organisational policies, are of concern to others, place a rangatahi (or others) at risk or are life-threatening; you, as a safe adult with information, have a duty of care to take action. Contact STOP, WellSTOP, SAFE Network and/or seek Police advice. More information on making contact in our Respond section.
Escalating your Assessment
Sometimes behaviours can move from green to orange, or from orange to red. This depends on context, intent, impact, and power dynamics between individuals. These questions should help you understand when the situation needs escalating.
Has the rangatahi taken part in this kind of activity before?
If this is repeated behaviour or the young person has not responded to past correction, this is a sign you may need to escalate.
Is this Behaviour Age-expected Among Peers?
Ask yourself what the expected knowledge and experience for the age may be. If the situation does not match their expected development, it may need to be escalated.
Did the behaviour cause distress?
Was any individual in this situation significantly impacted? If other individuals were harmed, consider escalating this situation.
Was there an imbalance of power?
Imbalance of power can involve age, development, authority or physical difference. It can be helpful to consider the dynamic between the individuals involved.
What was the intent behind the behaviour?
Interrogate whether the intention was sexual or whether it came from a place of curiosity, play, peer influence or social norms. If the intent was sexual, the situation may need to be escalated.
Example Assessment
This example evaluation outlines the variety of behaviours that exist in any scenario. It can help you pin-point when behaviours cross from green to orange or red territory.
Crossed Boundaries While Dating
Tiana and Hamish are in the same year 12 science class at school. There was an instant attraction when they met, so they exchanged numbers to keep in touch and grow their connection outside of class.
Tiana messages Hamish. They exchange lots of fun and flirty messages over the following days. Later, they share a consensual kiss.
After their kiss, they decide to make things official. Their relationship continues to grow and they enjoy the growing intimacy.
After 2 months, Tiana begins texting Hamish throughout the day, asking where he is and who he is with. She demands immediate replies.
Hamish reassures Tiana, but the text monitoring increases. She asks Hamish to stop seeing friends. Her communications get angry.
Out of frustration, Hamish ends the relationship. Tiana continues to message day and night, begging him to get back together.
A week later, Tiana visits Hamish at midnight, stating she can't "go on" if they don't resume their relationship. Feeling stressed and stuck, Hamish agrees.
Assessing the harm
This scenario can be considered orange. The situation starts in a green space, with a fun and consensual beginning to the relationship. However, Tiana's constant monitoring, demands for Hamish to isolate and eventual coercion into resuming the relationship are a real cause for concern.
Staying Safe
Safety is a priority when discussing sexualised behaviour. This can mean addressing any urgent concerns, but also creating an environment where rangatahi feel supported. In this section, we describe what safety means, now and later, for each relevant party.
Rangatahi
Creating a safe space for open communication is crucial for rangatahi to feel comfortable discussing their behaviour, feelings or concerns. By responding in a thoughtful manner, you can establish a foundation of trust while promoting their healthy wellbeing.
Now
- Find a comfortable setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation
- Avoid discussing the concern in front of others where possible
- Have a calm, non-judgemental attitude throughout
- Make active listening your best friend
- Be compassionate and reassure teens there is a way forward
Later
- Remind rangatahi of the risks and consequences associated with disregarding boundaries
- Seek support from trusted adults who can provide guidance and help navigate those challenges
- Get permission before involving their whānau, where possible
- Check for any wellbeing concerns that might result from informing their whānau
- Keep to the promised confidentiality, when possible
- Clarify boundaries before communicating with other parties
Myself
When talking about sexualised behaviour, it's important to take care of yourself too. Here are some tips to keep yourself safe during these conversations.
Now
- Set your own boundaries before conversations
- Keep yourself updated on the latest best practices
- Seek consent from rangatahi before engaging in discussion
- Communicate confidentiality limits carefully
- Check your biases and stay open-minded
- Remember to care for yourself too
- Adhere to professional codes of conduct and ethical guidelines
- Know when to escalate to someone else
- Call STOP if you need more advice
Later
- Keep up with supervision to ensure you are supported
- Press pause yourself. Take breaks by doing things you love
- Be aware of your own triggers and experiences
- Reach out for a chat with a trusted colleague or supervisor (encouraging privacy)
- Call STOP / WellStop / Safe Network if you need more advice
Whānau
Though they might not be directly involved, the young person's whānau will often experience a range of emotions when faced with sexualised behaviour. Good communication and education is the best way to hold the mana and safety of all involved.
Now
- Ensure all family members are safe
- Encourage open and honest communication within the family
- Foster an atmosphere of trust and non-judgement
- Establish clear boundaries within the whānau
- Reinforce the importance of respect and consent
- Discourage the use of social media to gossip
- Encourage reaching out directly to those involved rather than talking about them behind their backs
- Seek professional support if it feels too heavy
Later
- Promote education and awareness about healthy relationships, consent, and boundaries within the family
- Offer support for affected family members
- Encourage self-care practices for each family member
- Respect the confidentiality and privacy of all family members involved
Those Impacted
Addressing safety for those impacted by sexualised behaviour is crucial to their wellbeing. Here are some tips on how to approach it.
Now
- If someone is in immediate danger, prioritise their safety
- Establish a safe and non-judgmental space
- Show belief in the person's story and validate their experiences
- Empower them to make choices for their wellbeing
- Ensure those impacted know choosing their safety over any potential shame is important
- Adhere to professional codes of conduct and ethical guidelines
- Facilitate bringing in support or assistance
Later
- Explain it is common to feel impacts belatedly
- Normalise help-seeking, even down the line
- Reiterate safety and wellbeing come above shame
- Reassure about speaking up, at any point
Talking About it
Talking is a critical step in reflecting and moving forward. Take time to listen to the young person's perspective and give them the opportunity to think critically about their behaviour to collaboratively decide on next steps.
Adolescence is a key time for identity development. During this time, rangatahi need adults to help them identify and communicate their boundaries – and respect those of others. Boundaries are fundamental for developing the sense of safety and reciprocity that is essential in relationships.
Conversation Starters
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It takes a lot of courage to discuss these things. I'm here to listen
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What do you think an equal relationship looks like?
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How can boundaries help relationships work well?
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What are common problems you see in young people's relationships?
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What's working well and not so well in your relationship?
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How do you usually show interest in someone you like?
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How do you know if there is chemistry between people?
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How do you know when a relationship is taking up too much space or time?
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Good relationships can be hard to find. How do you stay patient and hopeful while you look?
Conversation Themes
Inviting Conversation
Use these prompts to invite kōrero with rangatahi. This section isn't about investigating the issue too deeply, but rather inviting rangatahi to open a dialogue with you.
PACE
Playfulness - Acceptance - Curiosity - Empathy
- If appropriate, use your relationship with rangatahi to engage in a way that is playful
- Demonstrate acceptance by engaging non-judgmentally with rangatahi
- Have curiosity, by enquiring and encouraging self-exploration
- Be empathetic, considering the experience and perspective of rangatahi
The C's of Responding
- Be CALM, no matter what you learn
- CONNECT and be CURIOUS with rangatahi opposite you
- Have COMPASSION and remember growing up is challenging
- Consider CONTEXT to ensure you have all the needed information
- CORRECT and COACH rangatahi to help them find healthy paths towards green behaviours
Naive Enquiry
Naive enquiry uses open-ended and non-judgmental questions that don't assume any prior knowledge or information. These are designed to understand rangatahi better without overwhelming them:
- I'm curious...
- I'm wondering...
- I'm interested in hearing...
- Tell me about...
- Help me to understand...
Call it Out
When one person makes all the decisions, it can leave the other feeling powerless. Have you thought about how this might affect your relationship?
Consent should always be clear, mutual, and freely given. If that’s not what’s happening right now, what could be different?
Pressuring someone for nudes, sex, or control can cross serious lines. Have you thought about how that might feel for them?
Constant attention can feel like love, but sometimes it’s overwhelming. Have you noticed how they respond?
If you're deciding who your partner sees, what’s behind that? How do you think it affects them?
I noticed you used threats and harsh words to control them? What impact do you think that has?
I care about you, and some of your choices have me concerned. What do you need to feel safe and supported right now?
Have you thought about how a risky choice could affect you or someone you care about—now or later?
Inviting Reflection
Use these prompts to dive deeper into the situation at hand. This is a good time to build on the conversation topics that came up during our Inviting Conversation section.
Respectful Relationships
How do you think your behaviors might affect your future relationships, if continued?
What changes could you make now to help build more positive relationships in the future?
Have you seen examples of relationships that seem respectful and healthy? What stood out to you about them?
What does it look or feel like when people in a relationship respect each other's boundaries?
What signs might someone give—verbally or nonverbally—if they feel disrespected?
What are some things you know you wouldn’t want in a relationship, and why?
Power and Control
Looking back, could what you said or did have felt controlling or hurtful?
Was there a moment when things might have gone too far—like with texting, calling, or giving gifts?
Can you think of any times you might have put pressure on your partner, even if you didn’t mean to?
How do you think your partner might have felt if you gave them the silent treatment?
Have you thought about whether you could have crossed a legal or ethical line?
Would your actions have been different if their family or friends were around?
When can showing interest in someone cross the line into making them feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
What do you think was going on for you when you felt angry? How do you think your reaction affected your partner?
How would you feel if someone told you who you could or couldn’t hang out with?
Dependency and Isolation
Do you think it’s healthy for people in a relationship to spend time apart sometimes? Why or why not?
What are some signs that your partner might want or need more space?
How can you respect your partner’s need for space while also caring for your own feelings?
Are there any worries or insecurities that might make it hard for you to give your partner space?
How would you feel if you had to ask for permission to hang out with your friends or family?
Do you think both people in a relationship should share decision-making? Why or why not?
What do you think is okay or not okay when it comes to following each other’s friends on social media?
How do you feel about sharing phones or passwords in a relationship? What boundaries might feel healthy to you?
Caring for Yourself
Are there situations where you’ve felt unsure or at risk? What helped you notice that?
How do you usually tell when something doesn’t feel safe—either emotionally or physically?
What kinds of thoughts or body signals do you notice when you’re feeling unsafe or uncomfortable?
Do you know where or who you can turn to for help when you’re feeling that way?
How do you balance the fun or excitement of new experiences with making choices that keep you feeling safe?
What helps you decide whether something is worth taking a risk for—or not?
What factors influence your decisions to take risks, and how do you feel about those influences?
Do you ever find yourself doing things that feel exciting in the moment, but uncomfortable afterward? What do you think that’s about?
If you could build your own personal “safety plan” for tough moments, what would be on it?
Inviting Change
Use these prompts to explore opportunities for change. This is a good time to collaboratively explore how to move forward from the issue.
Respectful Relationships
- What are some ways you can build or rebuild trust with your partner?
How could you talk openly about how much personal space each of you needs?
What would it look like to make sure both of your boundaries are respected?
How can you support their interests, family time, and friendships?
How do you feel about seeking advice or information regarding safety and boundaries? Who could you turn to?
How do you envision a healthy and respectful sexual relationship, and what steps can you take to achieve that?
Mutuality and Equality
- What are some of the positives of having different opinions and points of view in a relationship?
- How can you show genuine interest in your partner’s thoughts and feelings?
- What are some healthy ways to respond when someone says "no" or disagrees with you?
- How can sharing decision-making make your relationship better for both of you?
- What steps can you take to ensure both of you feel equal in the relationship?
- How could you check in to keep the relationship feeling balanced?
Exploring Consent
- Why do you think consent is important in relationships?
- How can you talk about boundaries before things become physical or emotional?
- How does consent apply to different parts of a relationship, like physical touch, communication and privacy?
- What are the risks of skipping consent?
- What verbal and non-verbal cues show that someone is giving consent?
- What might "NO" look like and sound like? How can you respond safely if someone says "NO"?
- Consent must be freely and enthusiastically given every time. How can you make regular check-ins normal in your relationship?
- How can you show your partner that you respect their decision if they change their mind?
Building Trust
- How can you and your partner build trust in one another?
- How can you have an honest conversation about how much personal space you both need?
- How can you ensure boundaries are respected by both sides?
- How can you support your partner in pursuing their interests, as well as family and friend commitments?
- How can communicating make it easier for you to give each other space?
Managing Attraction & Emotions
- How do you know when someone is attracted to you? What are some indicators?
- How do you accept when attraction is not mutual?
- How can you respectfully treat someone when the attraction is not mutual?
- Rejection can feel painful. How will you bounce back and recover?
- What helps you be patient for a positive relationship in the future?
- Who can support you if a rejection triggers difficult emotions for you?
- What would you say to a friend in a similar situation to encourage them?
Please check ethical boundaries and professional body codes before asking any questions. Consider if someone else would be better suited to have these conversations.
Moving Forward
Change is possible when rangatahi receive the right support and strategies. Allowing them to learn, acquire new skills and embrace healthier behaviours is key in empowering them to move forward.
Consent Education
When rangatahi have more understanding and knowledge, they are better informed to make good choices.
Short-term
- Facilitate education on consent in relationships
- Explore what consent looks like, sounds like and feels like
- Ensure rangatahi understand FRIES for consent: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific
- Provide opportunities for social skills development
Long-term
- Build empathy. Learning to consider other's feelings is key to respecting someone's boundaries
- Encourage a culture of valuing people, respectful relationships and safe boundaries
- Foster open and honest communication in all relationships
- Encourage education on the legal implications related to harmful sexual behaviour
- Encourage rangatahi to challenge social and cultural influence around consent and boundaries
Respectful Relationships
Encouraging rangatahi to be respectful in their relationship comes hand in hand with an understanding of boundaries.
Short-term
- Promote the benefits of respectful relationships
- Educate on all the themes explored here: consent, control, abuse, healthy communication, conflict resolution and building healthy boundaries
Long-term
- Encourage rangatahi to view boundaries as a positive aspect in all relationships
- Over time, build mana-enhancing and respectful attitudes in all areas
Minding Your Identity
Developing a strong sense of personal identity can help rangatahi value other people's, as well as their boundaries.
Short-term
- Explore unintended impacts of crossing boundaries, such as reputation
- Explain to rangatahi that they may be contributing to an unsafe culture by crossing other's boundaries
- Hold high hopes for those developing boundaries
- Underline the benefits of being known as a respectful person
Long-term
- Encourage rangatahi to grow their relationship skills for the future
- Hold space for them to make mistakes, repair and grow on their way to developing their adult identities
Positive Role Models & Influences
Moving forward can be supported through encouraging rangatahi to seek out positive role models and influences.
Short-term
- Identify positive mutual relationships to emulate. These can be from personal spheres, social media or live in the wider community
- Recognise and identify the benefits of mutual, mana-enhancing, and consensual relationships
- Guide rangatahi to reflect on their personal ethics and aligning them to mana-enhancing practices
- Encourage working towards becoming someone they are proud of and like
- Provide positive reinforcement
Long-term
- Communicate your high hopes for rangatahi
- Provoke a desire to strive towards positive sexual behaviour
- Create a goal for the rangatahi where they become an example of their own learning, and influence their own peer group
Managing Attraction & Rejection
Helping rangatahi manage attraction and rejection contributes to them respecting others' boundaries.
Short-term
- Validate when rangatahi has experienced attraction, even if it is not mutual
- Hold space for them to express disappointment
- Acknowledge that rejection can be difficult to sit with, but is a common experience
- Encourage them to channel feelings respectfully
- Remind them that chemistry with someone else in the future is possible
Long-term
- Encourage and praise efforts to show respect even in the presence of negative emotion
- Remind rangatahi that good relationships take time to find and grow
- Encourage them to practise being a respectful peer, friend, and whānau member, building relationship skills
Hold hope for them that they can find and grow a mutually satisfying and healthy relationship
Involving Others
At times, sexual behaviours may warrant you involving the rangatahi's close ones or appropriate professionals. Read more on when to reach them and how.
When
- Any orange or red behaviour has been reported
- Rangatahi has not responded to correction
- Sexual behaviour is occurring in the wrong context (at school, for instance)
How
- Inform the rangatahi prior to contacting whānau/carers
- Prioritise safety for the rangatahi first
- Call whanau/carers and invite them in for a face-to-face conversation as soon as possible
- Follow-up and check-in using the whānau/carer's preferred method
When
- Someone has been impacted by orange or red behaviour
- To offer support and recognise a boundary has been crossed
- To discuss referral to services, counselling or offer of pastoral care
- To hear their perspective on an incident
- To seek their input into the process for restoration / apology / reporting
How
- If the rangatahi is willing to engage
- Communicate with care, giving rangatahi options when possible
- Reiterate that safety comes before shame
- Reinforce their agency and ability to make choices if they do not want to act
- Ensure they are aware of potential impacts of trauma responses on wellbeing
- Provide contact details of available local services and support
When
- There is rationale for informing teachers (for instance, the person impacted is in their class)
- There are practical considerations (for instance, consequences meaning some activities or spaces are off limits)
How
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved
- Remember to abide by school and organisational policies/procedures
When
- There is a trending behaviour among peer groups (for instance, bribery or coercion for nudes)
- You are dealing with a high profile situation
- Sexual harassment or assault has been normalised among peer groups
- Large collectives of rangatahi are unaware of laws and risks associated to sexual harassment
- There has been concerning behaviour that requires consistent messages and /or group education
How
- Find the best people to speak to depending on age, context and the need for expertise
- Inform whānau/carers of the concerning behaviour being targeted and context
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved, where possible
When
- Behaviour is recognised as red, call STOP/WellStop or Safe Network for a phone consult
- The behaviour is orange and has potential to impact the ability for rangatahi to attend school
- There are historic concerns regarding the rangatahi's sexual behaviour
How
- Call STOP (South Island): (03) 353 0257
- For phone enquiries to discuss orange or red behaviours, call WellSTOP (Lower North Island): (04) 566 4745 or SAFE Network (Upper North Island): (09) 377 9898
When
- A red behaviour has occured and advice is needed from Police or Police Youth Aid about the law
- An impacted person wants to lay a complaint - Laws have been broken or a criminal offence is evident
- Educational level input is warranted (via School Community Officer) for persistent orange behaviours
- When your Child Protection Policies indicate contacting the Police is needed
How
- Call your local Police Station
- Call your Child Protection Team or Lead Police Contact (Schools)
- For emergencies, dial 111
When
- Your care and protection policy indicates contact with Oranga Tamariki
- The behaviour is orange and rangatahi are already involved with Oranga Tamariki
- The behaviour is red and there are care and protection concerns for involved parties
How
- Inform whānau and carers first and ensure everyone understands the reason behind reaching out
- Contact assigned Social Worker or use the freephone number 0508 326 459 for their call centre
What if...?
Our kōrero with rangatahi can sometimes be confronting and trigger a variety of reactions. This is completely normal. Here are some tips to navigate some of the trickier responses you might come across.
- Stay calm yourself
- Ensure your immediate safety and theirs
- Acknowledge their anger
- Explore where their anger might be coming from
- Offer understanding
- Search for solutions
- Offer to take a break
- Use information carefully and factually
- Create understanding that there are different stories
- Give them the opportunity to share their perspective
- Find the points of agreement
- Explore the points of disagreement
- Ensure non-judgement and blame
- Reassure their behaviour doesn't define them and can be worked through
- Anticipate this by noticing signs of disagreement or distress
- Stay calm and co-regulate
- Offer to have a break and resume later
- Be empathetic of their state of mind
- Remind them how useful collaboration can be
- Encourage resolution and ensure safety
- Prepare for various responses before sharing the story
- Create a safe and calm environment for discussion
- Use factual, non-judgemental language
- Show empathy and kindness for all individuals
- Acknowledge strong feelings
- Offer breaks if the conversation becomes too overwhelming
- Prioritise safety for all individuals
- Follow procedures if the situation escalates
- First, check your values: are you open to different perspectives?
- Ask the rangatahi to evaluate their behaviour from different settings
- Consider values set by the law, school etc as a reference
- Recognise the young person's development stage. Values can evolve with time and experience
- Be hopeful for their growth
- Listen and validate their experience
- Separate their disclosure from their concerning / harmful actions
- Acknowledge their difficulties
- Ensure immediate safety for all individuals
- Support their agency by asking their preference on how to move forward
- Support them in getting help
- Listen, empathise and validate their feelings
- Have compassion
- Acknowledge how these feelings might be impacting them
- Help them regulate and get calm (break, breathe, walk and talk, peer support)
- Reassure them that all things can be worked through and faced together
- Offer to be a support
- Identify some personal strengths or characteristics and emphasize them to show rangatahi they have the tools they need to move forward
- Promote self-compassion and the importance of giving themselves time and space