Online Behaviour
I want to:
Our rangatahi are digital natives, growing up in a world where online interactions are as common as face-to-face ones. However, they can sometimes engage in harmful online behaviours which affect rangatahi in the physical world. Read on to find out more about them and how to react.
The Facts
Rangatahi are often exposed to concerning online behaviours. Check out the stats below to understand how the consequences can affect them.
Key Statistics
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33%
of rangatahi in New Zealand spend 4 or more hours online in an average day.
*Netsafe: NZ teens digital profile - a factsheet.
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70%
of all NZ rangatahi report they have experienced at least one form of unwanted digital communication online.
*Netsafe & Ministry for Women: NZ Teens and Digital Harm Report
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19%
of New Zealand teens experienced: “an unwanted digital communication" that had a negative impact on their daily activities.
*Netsafe: Cyberbullying in NZ
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31%
of rangatahi experiencing or witnessing cyberbullying did not seek help.
*Netsafe: Cyberbullying in NZ
Online Behaviour Explained
Discover the risks associated with sexualised language and its impact on rangatahi. Join us as we delve into the topic, exploring strategies to mitigate harm and promote a positive understanding of sexuality.
Online Sexual Harassment
What it is
Online sexual harassment can take many forms; from bullying and threats to using derogatory language. Creating fake profiles and sharing private content are also forms of sexual harassment.
The Drivers
- Peer pressure and desire for acceptance
- Negative media influence
- Exposure to unhealthy role models
- Low self-esteem
- Desire for power
- Prejudice or bias
- Desire for entertainment (gossip, pranks...)
The Impacts
Online sexual harassment can have a variety of impacts, such as:
- Fear and intimidation
- Anxiety
- Low sleep, appetite, mood, focus
- Low self-esteem
- Self-harm
- Impacted friendships
- Isolation and avoidance of settings or activities
- Loss of agency
Grooming & Catfishing
What it is
Online grooming is when rangatahi build a trusting relationship with peers or younger individuals online over time, often for sexual exploitation. It may also involve catfishing, which is the use of fake profiles or AI to deceive and befriend, soliciting private information like passwords, images or webcam access.
The Drivers
- Desire for power or control
- Sexual pleasure from manipulating others
- Curiosity
- Desire for entertainment
- Copying content seen online
- Impulse and lack of empathy
- Seeking social validation
- Desire for revenge
The Impacts
Grooming and catfishing create confusion and trust issues, impacting victims' ability to feel safe and form secure relationships. Emotional responses may include anger, betrayal, embarrassment, shame and self-blame - leading to withdrawal. Fear of information being misused can also drive harmful coping behaviours such as substance abuse or self-harm. May lead to criminal charges.
Cyberstalking
What it is
Cyberstalking relates to persistently monitoring or interacting with someone online. This looks like in-depth searches through someone's online history, repetitive commenting or messaging.
The Drivers
- To incite fear or discomfort
- Lack of social skills
- Low self-esteem
- To feel powerful
- Testing limits
- Feeling hurt and wanting to retaliate
- Desire for entertainment and humour
The Impacts
Cyberstalking can have profound emotional impacts on rangatahi and their wellbeing. They can feel scared and depressed as well as losing sleep, appetite and focus. Alongside this, their relationships can suffer as rangatahi might isolate for security, leading them to avoid activities or people.
Distribution Shock Content
What it is
Distributing shock content relates to the mass sharing of sexual content which is generally distressing, such as pornographic, violent, hateful images or videos. If the material is objectionable*, it is also illegal,
*For more information on objectionable content, see our Pornography section.
The Drivers
- Peer pressure and desire for acceptance
- Lack of empathy
- Low self-esteem
- Testing limits
- Desire for entertainment
- Freedom given by anonymity
- Past trauma
- Lack of tools to make sense of shock content
The Impacts
Exposure to shock content can be very distressing to rangatahi, as they might not have the tools to process that material. Their wellbeing may be impacted, as they face difficulties sleeping, interacting with others or focusing. Shock content may also traumatise rangatahi, leading them to struggle participating online like they used to.
We are seeing a dramatic increase in the amount of stalking and harassment online, which can lead to physical and sexual violence
Go Further
Looking to dive deeper into the topic of rangatahi and online behaviours? Here is a short list of recommended resources which can help bridge any knowledge gaps and offer tips on this theme.
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Introducing the Harmful Digital Communications Act
Dive into the Harmful Digital Communications Act (2015) and its 10 principles for communication. This is a great tool to help schools and communities understand the nature and impact of online abuse.
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Keep it Real Online
Access online safety tools and resources to help support the education of intermediate and secondary school students navigating the digital world.
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The Classroom Resources
This kit compiles all relevant classroom resources needed to understand digital safety, citizenship and wellbeing.
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The Eggplant
This NZ-based video drama follows high school students navigating the dangers and impacts of catfishing and grooming.
Prepare
Before deciding whether a behaviour is age-typical, concerning or harmful, you'll need to ask yourself and rangatahi important questions. Use the following prompts to prepare for an evaluation by starting a meaningful kōrero.
Build Context
Consider who was involved, where it took place and when. Are there any safety risks or policy violations? What was the intent behind the action? Were there any external influences involved? Building context can help you understand and respond to the sexualised behaviour while ensuring you meet everyone's needs
Neurodiversity
Some of our rangatahi are neurodiverse. This means they process information, regulate emotions and respond to situations in different ways. Take some time to consider this when identifying concerning or harmful sexual behaviour. It may also be worth considering these unique learning patterns when looking at responding and moving forward.
Cultural Considerations
Our diverse kiwi communities are represented by many different cultures and belief systems. Our goal is to engage with rangatahi using meaningful responses while upholding their identities, values and beliefs of all individuals involved. You may need to adapt communication styles and language to align with cultural norms.
Trauma Informed Responses
Consider the possibility of rangatahi having been exposed to or experienced trauma and how this might have influenced their decisions. These experiences do not excuse their behaviour, but it may help explain it occurring.
Assess
To understand and recognise sexualised behaviour, we use a traffic light system which ranges from green behaviour (age-typical), to orange (concerning), and red (harmful). The level of intervention will depend on the situation and its impact on others, as represented by the colour.
Reminder: no matter where the situation sits on the traffic light system, it should be considered without judgement.
Green
- Chatting with friends online
- Safely and respectfully using virtual chat room and forums
- Playing video games
- Sharing appropriate content
- Seeking consent before posting images of others
- Respecting others' boundaries and privacy
- Not sharing private information
- Legally using apps, if age-appropriate
- Truthfully identifying themselves online
- Reporting harmful or damaging online communications
Orange
- Spreading sexual rumours or lies online
- Writing sexually explicit messages about someone
- Persisting in unwanted sexual advances
- Sending unrequested sexual pictures or videos
- Creating multiple accounts to contact someone
- Mass spamming or forwarding of explicit content
- Impersonating people in fake profiles to sexually manipulate
- Seeking sexual details and information about others online to manipulate
- Putting pressure on others to share their sexual experiences online
- Talking about sex online with someone of a significant age difference - Putting pressure on others to sext or have a sexual video call - Requesting nudes - Sending pornography links - Blackmailing for sexual content - Anonymous, unwanted or sexual aggressive comments
Red
- Sending nudes or near nudes to others under the age of 18
- Threatening to release information if someone doesn't comply with sexual requests
- Manipulating or guilt-tripping someone to comply with sexual requests
- Sending links to objectionable material*
- Viewing objectionable or child sexual abuse material*
- Selling and supplying underage sexual images online for money
*See more about objectionable material in our Pornography section
*If any of the behaviours are against the law or organisational policies, are of concern to others, place a rangatahi (or others) at risk or are life-threatening; you, as a safe adult with information, have a duty of care to take action. Contact STOP, WellSTOP, SAFE Network and/or seek Police advice. More information on making contact in our Respond section.
Escalating your Assessment
Sometimes behaviours can move from green to orange, or from orange to red. This depends on context, intent, impact, and power dynamics between individuals. These questions should help you understand when the situation needs escalating.
Has the Rangatahi Engaged with Pornography Before?
If this is repeated behaviour or the young person has not responded to past correction, this is a sign you may need to escalate.
Is this Behaviour Age-expected Among Peers?
Ask yourself what the expected knowledge and experience of pornography for the age may be. If the situation does not match their expected development or social norms, it may need to be escalated.
Was there Mutual Consent?
It's important to understand whether all rangatahi involved in viewing the pornography were consensually doing so. Pornography being shared or viewed without consent is cause for escalation.
Did the Behaviour Cause Distress?
Was any individual in this situation significantly impacted, injured or distressed by the viewing of the pornography? If other individuals were harmed (for instance, violent behaviour or masturbation injury), consider escalating this situation.
If Others were Involved, was There an Imbalance of Power?
Imbalance of power can involve age, development, authority or physical difference. It can be helfpul to consider the dynamics between those involved.
Example Assessment
This example evaluation outlines the variety of behaviours that exist in any scenario. It can help you pin-point when behaviours cross from green to orange or red territory.
Online Stalking at School
Mike is a 16 year old student. He has noticed a girl he really likes but he doesn't know her. He asks his classmate for her Instagram handle and her profile is public, so he connects.
Mike scrolls through old posts and comments about how beautiful she looks. He sends her a private message and they begin chatting consensually.
After some flirting, Mike asks if Anna would like to meet to "Netflix and chill". She refuses and Mike tells her he was joking. He feels rejected.
Mike continues interacting with Anna's profile, leaving comments like "cock tease" and "thirst trap". She ignores them, but feels bothered.
Mike comments with innuendos like the eggplant emoji. Anna asks him to stop but he refuses, sending her a middle finger emoji.
Mike doesn't stop, so Anna takes screenshots and blocks him. She feels scared of opening her apps and is embarrassed for talking to Mike.
Anna notices Mike making similar comments on her friends' Instagram profiles.
Assessing the harm
This scenario can be considered orange. Though the online platform was initially a tool for Mike and Anna to get closer and organise a meeting in person, it quickly became a way to sexually shame Anna. Mike ignored requests to stop and extended his behaviours to other people's profiles too. This could easily become a red situation if behaviours escalated to threats of violence or stalking.
Staying Safe
Safety is a priority when discussing sexualised behaviour. This can mean addressing any urgent concerns, but also creating an environment where rangatahi feel supported. In this section, we describe what safety means, now and later, for each relevant party.
Rangatahi
Creating a safe space for open communication is crucial for rangatahi to feel comfortable discussing their behaviour, feelings or concerns. By responding in a thoughtful manner, you can establish a foundation of trust while promoting their healthy wellbeing.
Now
- Find a comfortable setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation
- Avoid discussing the concern in front of others where possible
- Have a calm, non-judgemental attitude throughout
- Make active listening your best friend
- Be compassionate and reassure teens there is a way forward
Later
- Remind rangatahi of the risks and consequences associated with disregarding boundaries
- Seek support from trusted adults who can provide guidance and help navigate those challenges
- Get permission before involving their whānau, where possible
- Check for any wellbeing concerns that might result from informing their whānau
- Keep to the promised confidentiality, when possible
- Clarify boundaries before communicating with other parties
Myself
When talking about sexualised behaviour, it's important to take care of yourself too. Here are some tips to keep yourself safe during these conversations.
Now
- Set your own boundaries before conversations
- Keep yourself updated on the latest best practices
- Seek consent from rangatahi before engaging in discussion
- Communicate confidentiality limits carefully
- Check your biases and stay open-minded
- Remember to care for yourself too
- Adhere to professional codes of conduct and ethical guidelines
- Know when to escalate to someone else
- Call STOP if you need more advice
Later
- Keep up with supervision to ensure you are supported
- Press pause yourself. Take breaks by doing things you love
- Be aware of your own triggers and experiences
- Reach out for a chat with a trusted colleague or supervisor (encouraging privacy)
- Call STOP / WellStop / Safe Network if you need more advice
Whānau
Though they might not be directly involved, the young person's whānau will often experience a range of emotions when faced with sexualised behaviour. Good communication and education is the best way to hold the mana and safety of all involved.
Now
- Ensure all family members are safe
- Encourage open and honest communication within the family
- Foster an atmosphere of trust and non-judgement
- Establish clear boundaries within the whānau
- Reinforce the importance of respect and consent
- Discourage the use of social media to gossip
- Encourage reaching out directly to those involved rather than talking about them behind their backs
- Seek professional support if it feels too heavy
Later
- Promote education and awareness about healthy relationships, consent, and boundaries within the family
- Offer support for affected family members
- Encourage self-care practices for each family member
- Respect the confidentiality and privacy of all family members involved
Those Impacted
Addressing safety for those impacted by sexualised behaviour is crucial to their wellbeing. Here are some tips on how to approach it.
Now
- If someone is in immediate danger, prioritise their safety
- Establish a safe and non-judgmental space
- Show belief in the person's story and validate their experiences
- Empower them to make choices for their wellbeing
- Ensure those impacted know choosing their safety over any potential shame is important
- Adhere to professional codes of conduct and ethical guidelines
- Facilitate bringing in support or assistance
Later
- Explain it is common to feel impacts belatedly
- Normalise help-seeking, even down the line
- Reiterate safety and wellbeing come above shame
- Reassure about speaking up, at any point
Talking About It
Talking is a critical step in reflecting and moving forward. Take time to listen to the young person's perspective and give them the opportunity to think critically about their behaviour to collaboratively decide on next steps.
My message to young people is that you deserve to be safe and you deserve support to get safe... I encourage parents to educate themselves about young people’s online environments, to talk about healthy relationships and to discuss online risks and safety with their children
Conversation Starters
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It takes a lot of courage to discuss these things. I'm here to listen
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I'm keen to understand your perspective on this. Can you tell me what led up to this and what your intentions were?
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Why did you choose to [share this photo, record that video, ask for the content]?
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Do you know about laws surrounding online behaviour?
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Do you think this behaviour crosses any boundaries? At which point do you think it would cross a line legally / ethically?
Conversation Themes
Inviting Conversation
Use these prompts to invite kōrero with rangatahi. This section isn't about investigating the issue too deeply, but rather inviting rangatahi to open a dialogue with you.
PACE
Playfulness - Acceptance - Curiosity - Empathy
- If appropriate, use your relationship with rangatahi to engage in a way that is playful.
- Demonstrate acceptance by engaging non-judgmentally with rangatahi.
- Have curiosity, by enquiring and encouraging self-exploration.
- Be empathetic, considering the experience and perspective of rangatahi.
The C's of Responding
- Be CALM, no matter what you learn.
- CONNECT and be CURIOUS with rangatahi opposite you.
- Have COMPASSION and remember growing up is challenging.
- Consider CONTEXT to ensure you have all the needed information.
- CORRECT and COACH rangatahi to help them find healthy paths towards green behaviours.
Call it Out
- Sexually harassing people online is toxic and can make others feel unsafe
- Stalking people online invades their sense of privacy and safety
- Sending out shock content might seem funny to you, but it can be really distressing for others
- Though you might be doing this from behind a screen, it's still sexual harassment and could be illegal
- You might think that constant attention is flattering, but it can really scare people
- Using sexual threats and verbal abuse to control someone is harmful and demeaning
- Some of your online choices are worrying me. How can I make sure you're being respectful?
Naive Enquiry
Naive enquiry uses open-ended and non-judgmental questions that don't assume any prior knowledge or information. These are designed to understand rangatahi better without overwhelming them:
- I'm curious...
- I'm wondering...
- I'm interested in hearing...
- Tell me about...
- Help me to understand...
Your view:
- Tell me your story. How did you get into this situation?
- What was going on in your life for this to happen?
- Can you tell me when you started making these comments online?
- On a scale of zero to ten, how serious is this to you? - What caused this situation to escalate?
Inviting Reflection
Use these prompts to dive deeper. This is a good time to build on the topics that came up during Inviting Conversation.
Attitudes & Beliefs
- Why do you think people send shock content?
- Do you feel pressure to act like this online? Where does this pressure come from?
- Do you think the same rules apply online as they do in real life?
- Do you think you would do these same things face-to-face?
- What might have influenced you in deciding to create a fake profile?
Trust
- Do you think trust is important online?
- How would you describe a trustworthy person?
- Would you view your actions online as trustworthy?
- What does it look like to act in a trustworthy way online?
- Do you think any of your actions breached the trust of others?
- How might it be unethical to create fake profiles and request private information?
- When fake profiles are used, do you think consent is ever valid?
Reputation
- How might your harmful online behaviours change the way others see you?
- Does acting this way online fit with who you want to be?
- Do you think others see you as a safe person?
- Have you considered the harm your dishonesty could cause others?
- How might your actions have impacted the reputation of others?
Empathy
- How do you think that person would feel reading those comments?
- Would you want their whānau reading those comments? How would your family feel, reading your comments?
- What do you think the person you [harassed, threatened, stalked] would want to say to you?
- Do you understand why that person might be upset or angry?
- Would you be OK treating your friend or your whānau that way?
- How would you feel, if you were in their shoes?
- Have you ever thought about the fact that your online behaviour contributes to a culture of insensitivity?
- Are you aware of the harmful impacts these actions can have?
Digital Responsibility
- What is your understanding of responsible digital citizenship?
- In what ways can people cross the line when using the internet?
- Are you aware of what illegal online behaviour looks like?
- Looking back, when could you have paused and chosen differently?
- What are the risks of sending others unwanted [sexual messages, content, threats...]?
Please check ethical boundaries and professional body codes before asking any questions. Consider if someone else would be better suited to have these conversations.
Inviting Change
Use these prompts to explore opportunities for change. This is a good time to collaboratively explore how to move forward from the issue.
Boundaries
- How do you decide who you can engage with online?
- How do you engage safely and respectfully?
- What can you do differently to avoid people feeling threatened or harassed?
- What can indicate that you are close to crossing the line again?
- How might self-awareness help you to know when to step away from a device?
- What are some safer ways to connect and build relationships with people online?
Respect Online
- What changes can you make to respect people's privacy and safety online?
- How can you ensure you are sensitive to others in online conversations?
- How can you check your posts/comments for aggression or disrespect?
- How can you remind yourself there is a real person on the other side of the screen?
Reputation
- What would you like to be known and liked for? How can you work towards this online?
- Next time, what will you do differently?
- How can you make things right or make amends for your harmful behaviour? Do you need support to do this?
- How can you make sure you act with integrity online in the future?
- What would someone in your whānau encourage you to do next time?
Empathy
- How can you become more aware of how others feel online?
- If you put yourself in someone else's shoes, would you still press send?
- What can you take from this experience to help you respond with more empathy online in the future?
- What changes can you make to ensure your actions online uplift the mana of others?
- How can you grow your understanding of the impact your actions have on others?
- What can you ask yourself to check if your actions are respectful to everyone?
Safety Online
- How can you express yourself, and be creative and fun online without deceiving others?
- Moving forward, how can you ensure you aren't breaking any laws?
- When your peers engage in unsafe online behaviour, what are your options?
- What can we do to contain the spread of the private information you have?
- What is in your control to delete or retrieve to minimize further harm online?
Please check ethical boudaries and professional body codes before asking any questions. Consider if someone else would be better suited to have these conversations.
Moving Forward
Change is possible when rangatahi receive the right support and strategies. Allowing them to learn, acquire new skills and embrace healthier behaviours is key in empowering them to move forward.
Accountability
At times, rangatahi need to be held accountable by responsible adults, particularly if behaviour has been repeated.
Short-term
- Rangatahi may need to show they have removed comments, videos, images, profiles...
- Device contracts may have to be reviewed
- Rangatahi should apologise and repair the situation when appropriate
Longer-term
- Ongoing digital safety education and monitoring (including support from whānau to monitor use of devices at home)
- Open and direct communication should be encouraged between home, the community and school
- Clear boundaries should be set in place in a school setting
Education
When rangatahi have more understanding and knowledge, they are better informed to make good choices.
Short-term
- Introduce the Harmful Digital Communication Act (2015), as well as the Films, Videos and Publications Classification Act (1993)
- Ensure awareness of the legal implications related to sexual behaviour
- They should be encouraged to understand their impact on others, their own reputation and future
- Explore themes surrounding empathy, understanding audiences and how they might react
Longer-term
- Encourage rangatahi to grow their emotional intelligence and social skills
- Encourage a culture of online respect and authenticity
- Continue to check in on their understanding of digital citizenship and responsibility
Boundaries
Some behaviours may indicate that the use of some devices or platforms should be limited for a period of time. Clear expectations are important to move forward in a safe, respectful and legal way.
Short-term
- Enforce transparent use of devices and platforms
- Define clear and time-bound consequences
- Regularly review digital interactions
- Educate on the importance of consent, privacy, trust and safety
Long-term
- Establish and maintain safe and healthy online relationships
- Encourage positive online interactions
- Acknowledge progress and growth
- Reinforce mutual safety messages (keeping themselves and others safe)
Communication & Support with Whānau
Communicating clearly and promptly with whānau and caregivers is critical to ensure ongoing safety and healthy change.
Short-term
- Inform whānau early and frequently keep them up to date
- Use clear and factual language to explain behaviours and their consequences
- Involve whānau in problem-solving consequences
- Document regularly
- Develop a clear, time-bound and reasoned plan with whānau/carers that they can support and follow-through with
Long-term
- Check in and address any concerns promptly if they arise
- Make yourself or someone suitable available to follow up at any point
- Be open and supportive, acknowledging efforts, successes and change
- Offer counseling, pastoral care, kaumatua/whānau support where available
Minding your Identity
Helping rangatahi develop a strong sense of identity is key to them learning respectful online interactions.
Short-term
- Highlight the risk for reputational damage for rangatahi and others off the back of their behaviour
- Explain to rangatahi that they may be contributing to an unsafe online culture through harmful online behaviours
- Underline the benefits of being known as a safe and respectful person
Long-term
- Encourage rangatahi to actively challenge unacceptable online behaviour
- Over time, build mana-enhancing and respectful attitudes in all online communications
Involving Others
At times, sexual behaviours may warrant you involving the rangatahi's close ones or appropriate professionals. Read more on when to reach them and how.
When
- Any orange or red behaviour around pornography has been reported
- Rangatahi has not responded to correction
- You are concerned about the impact their behaviour could have on others
How
- Inform the rangatahi prior to contacting whānau/carers
- Prioritise safety for the rangatahi first
- Call whānau/carers and invite them in for a face-to-face conversation as soon as possible
- Follow-up and check-in using the whānau/carer's preferred method
- Also contact parents of other rangatahi who may have been exposed to the pornography, and apply the above
When
- When someone has been impacted by orange or red behaviour
- To offer support and recognise a boundary has been crossed
- To discuss referral to services, counselling or offer of pastoral care
- To hear their perspective on an incident
- To seek their input into the process for restoration / apology / reporting
How
- If the young person is willing to engage
- Communicate with care, giving rangatahi options when possible
- Reiterate their safety is a priority and acknowledge that shame, fear and other emotions may be present
- Reinforce their agency and ability to make choices if they do or do not want to act
When
- There is rationale for informing teachers (for instance, the person impacted is in their class)
- There are practical considerations (for instance, when pornography has been viewed at school or restrictions are in place around the access to platforms)
How
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved
- Remember to abide by school and organisational policies/procedures
When
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved
- Remember to abide by school and organisational policies/procedures
How
- Find the best people to speak to depending on age, context and the need for expertise
- Inform whānau/carers of the concerning behaviour being targeted and context
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved, where possible
When
- Behaviour is recognised as red, call STOP for a phone consult
- When objectionable material has been viewed
- When pornography has been created by rangatahi under 18 years old
- When pornography scripts have been acted out
- The behaviour is orange and has potential to impact the ability for rangatahi to attend school
- There are historic concerns regarding the young person's sexual behaviour
How
Call STOP (WellSTOP or SAFE Network) at 03 353 0257.
When
- A red behaviour has occured and advice is needed from Police or Police Youth Aid about the law
- An impacted person wants to lay a complaint
- Laws have been broken or a criminal offence is evident
- Educational level input is warranted (via School Community Officer) for persistent orange behaviours
- When your Child Protection Policies indicate contacting the Police is needed
How
- Call your local Police Station - Call your Child Protection Team or Lead Police Contact (Schools)
- For emergencies, dial 111
When
- Your care and protection policy indicates contact with Oranga Tamariki
- The behaviour is orange and rangatahi are already involved with Oranga Tamariki
- The behaviour is red and there are care and protection concerns for involved parties
How
- Inform whānau and carers first and ensure everyone understands the reason behind reaching out
- Contact assigned Social Worker or use the freephone number 0508 326 459 for their call centre
What if...?
These kōrero with rangatahi can sometimes be confronting and trigger a variety of reactions. This is completely normal. Here are some tips to navigate some of the trickier responses you might come across.
- Stay calm yourself
- Ensure your immediate safety and theirs
- Acknowledge their anger
- Explore where their anger might be coming from
- Offer understanding
- Search for solutions
- Offer to take a break
- Use information carefully and factually
- Create understanding that there are different stories
- Give them the opportunity to share their perspective
- Find the points of agreement
- Explore the points of disagreement
- Ensure non-judgement and blame
- Reassure their behaviour doesn't define them and can be worked through
- Anticipate this by noticing signs of disagreement or distress
- Stay calm and co-regulate
- Offer to have a break and resume later
- Be empathetic of their state of mind
- Remind them how useful collaboration can be
- Encourage resolution and ensure safety
- Prepare for various responses before sharing the story
- Create a safe and calm environment for discussion
- Use factual, non-judgemental language
- Show empathy and kindness for all individuals
- Acknowledge strong feelings
- Offer breaks if the conversation becomes too overwhelming
- Prioritise safety for all individuals
- Follow procedures if the situation escalates
- First, check your values: are you open to different perspectives?
- Ask the rangatahi to evaluate their behaviour from different settings
- Consider values set by the law, school etc as a reference
- Recognise the young person's development stage. Values can evolve with time and experience
- Be hopeful for their growth
- Listen and validate their experience
- Separate their disclosure from their concerning / harmful actions
- Acknowledge their difficulties
- Ensure immediate safety for all individuals
- Support their agency by asking their preference on how to move forward
- Support them in getting help
- Listen, empathise and validate their feelings
- Have compassion
- Acknowledge how these feelings might be impacting them
- Help them regulate and get calm (break, breathe, walk and talk, peer support)
- Reassure them that all things can be worked through and faced together
- Offer to be a support
- Identify some personal strengths or characteristics and emphasize them to show rangatahi they have the tools they need to move forward
- Promote self-compassion and the importance of giving themselves time and space