Pornography
I want to:
Pornography is defined as R18 adult content created for sexual arousal. Today, it's easy to access it online for free and without age verification. It may include illegal content involving sexual assault, involvement of minors, animals, and excessive violence.
The Facts
Pornography is widely common for rangatahi. Check out the stats below to understand how present it is in Aotearoa.
Key Statistics
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67%
of NZ teens have viewed porn
*Te Mana Whakaatu, NZ Classification Office: NZ Youth and Porn Report
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41%
of teens admitted to consuming pornography during the school day
*Commonsense Media: 2022 Teens and Pornography
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72%
of young viewers saw things in porn that made them feel uncomfortable
*Te Mana Whakaatu, NZ Classification Office: NZ Youth and Porn Report
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69%
of regular viewers have seen violence or aggression, and 72% have seen non-consensual activity in pornography
*Te Mana Whakaatu, NZ Classification Office: NZ Youth and Porn Report
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73%
of regular teen viewers use porn as a learning tool.
*Te Mana Whakaatu, NZ Classification Office: NZ Youth and Porn Report
Porn Explained
Discover the risks associated with pornography and its impact on our rangatahi. During our deep dive into the topic, we'll explore strategies to mitigate harm and promote a positive understanding of sexuality.
Violent Content
What it is
It's not uncommon for porn to depict a level of violence. This may include slapping, smacking, restraining and gagging. While this content is sometimes shown as consensual or arousing, it may not be the case and can constitute illegal porn.
The Drivers
- Easy access to content
- Curiosity and exploration
- Influence of social media
The Impact
Because violent behaviour is often depicted as consensual or arousing in pornography, rangatahi can easily feel like sexual violence or misogyny is expected, and emulate it with their peers.
Acting Out
What it is
Rangatahi may want to emulate the sexual behaviour they have seen in pornography. This may include violence, pornified language, objectification and avoiding conversations around consent.
The Drivers
- Curiosity and exploration
- Peer pressure
- Influence of social media
The Impact
Rangatahi acting out what they have seen in porn can lead to harmful sexual behaviour (potentially illegal), issues in their relationships with loved ones or peers, difficulties with consent and more generally a normalisation of harm.
Porn in School
What It Is
Rangatahi may access porn at school on their own devices or by using school technology. This can happen in private spaces (like bathrooms) or even during class.
The Drivers
- Easy access to devices
- Easy access to content
- Compulsion
- Peer pressure
The Impact
The use of porn in a school setting can create a reliance which leads rangatahi away from their peers. If exposed, rangatahi can experience shame, rejection and stigma. Suspensions can also be handed out which affects their educational journey.
Habitual Porn
What It Is
The use of porn in a school setting can create a reliance which leads rangatahi away from their peers. If exposed, rangatahi can experience shame, rejection and stigma. Suspensions can also be handed out which affects their educational journey.
The Drivers
- Easy access to content
- Relief from low mood and stress
- Compulsion
The Impact
Using pornography as a coping mechanism may impact on social development or lead to public or school viewing. The regular use of pornography can also desensitise harmful behaviours, foster victim-blaming, reduce sexual desire or the importance of consent.
Porn for Education
What It Is
In the absence of educational voices surrounding sex, rangatahi may view pornography as an outlet to learn.
The Drivers
- Peer pressure
- Desire for knowledge
- Lack of access to quality relationships and adult guidance
The Impact
Relying on pornographic content for education runs the risk of misunderstanding pleasure, consent, intimacy, communication, real bodies, aggression, dominance and control. It can also set unrealistic expectations for relationships, causing rangatahi to engage in harmful behaviour.
Objectionable Porn
What It Is
Objectionable material is sexual content likely to be injurious to public good. This can include depictions of rangatahi under 18, extreme violence or degrading/cruel acts. While pornography is legal over 18 years, it can still contain objectionable material.
The Drivers
- Easy access to content
- Curiosity and exploration
- Peer pressure
- Lack of access to quality relationships and adult guidance
The Impact
Being exposed to objectionable material can impact the viewer's wellbeing and the safety of others (if injurious behaviour is emulated). This can eventually lead to violence and sexual exploitation of minors.
I used to watch a lot of porn, to be honest. I started watching porn when I was like 11… I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn
Go Further
Looking to dive deeper into the topic of rangatahi and pornography? Here is a short list of recommended resources which can help bridge any knowledge gaps and offer tips on this theme.
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The Light Project
The Light Project is an excellent New Zealand-based resource which provides tools for professionals, whānau, and rangatahi about all things pornography.
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Be in the Know
A hub for information, help and tips on online sexual issues, including those coming from porn.
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How to Talk with Rangatahi about Pornography?
The NZ Department of Internal Affairs shares information on how to tackle chats about pornography with rangatahi
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Fight the New Drug
While pornography is all around us, its impacts and harms aren't always discussed. This US-based website provides insight and education on the topic, including documentaries, podcast links, short videos and articles.
Prepare
Before deciding whether a behaviour is age-typical, concerning or harmful, you'll need to ask yourself and rangatahi important questions. Use the following prompts to prepare for an evaluation by starting a meaningful kōrero.
Build Context
Consider who was involved, where it took place and when. Are there any safety risks or policy violations? What was the intent behind the action? Were there any external influences involved? Building context can help you understand and respond to the sexualised behaviour while ensuring you meet everyone's needs
Neurodiversity
Some of our rangatahi are neurodiverse. This means they process information, regulate emotions and respond to situations in different ways. Take some time to consider this when identifying concerning or harmful sexual behaviour. It may also be worth considering these unique learning patterns when looking at responding and moving forward.
Cultural Considerations
Some of our rangatahi are neurodiverse. This means they process information, regulate emotions and respond to situations in different ways. Take some time to consider this when identifying concerning or harmful sexual behaviour. It may also be worth considering these unique learning patterns when looking at responding and moving forward.
Trauma Informed Responses
Some of our rangatahi are neurodiverse. This means they process information, regulate emotions and respond to situations in different ways. Take some time to consider this when identifying concerning or harmful sexual behaviour. It may also be worth considering these unique learning patterns when looking at responding and moving forward.
Assess
To understand and recognise sexualised behaviour, we use a traffic light system which ranges from green behaviour (age-typical), to orange (concerning), and red (harmful). The level of intervention will depend on the situation and its impact on others, as represented by the colour.
Reminder: no matter where the situation sits on the traffic light system, it should be considered without judgement.
Green
- Accidental viewing online
- Exposure from same age peers
- Searching for porn to fulfil curiosity, but seeking adult support after exposure
Orange
- Intentional and habitual pornography consumption
- Late night viewing, leading to negative impacts on social and academic wellbeing
- Sexualisation of vulnerable individuals, like younger siblings
- Inappropriate viewing in front of younger peers or family members
- School viewing
- Physical harm from imitating porn actions or excessive masturbation
Red
- Engaging in non-consensual sex influenced by porn scripts
- Endangering others through high-risk porn-informed behaviours (for instance, choking) with or without consent
- Producing porn while under 18
- Sharing porn for sexual purposes with individuals under 18 and with potential age, power, or cognitive imbalance
- Collecting and storing objectionable material - Viewing or sharing objectionable material (illegal for all ages)
- Coercing or pressuring others into sexual acts or financial exploitation using porn
Escalating your Assessment
Sometimes behaviours can move from green to orange, or from orange to red. This depends on context, intent, impact, and power dynamics between individuals. These questions should help you understand when the situation needs escalating.
Has the Rangatahi Engaged with Pornography Before?
If this is repeated behaviour or the young person has not responded to past correction, this is a sign you may need to escalate.
Is this Behaviour Age-expected Among Peers?
Ask yourself what the expected knowledge and experience of pornography for the age may be. If the situation does not match their expected development or social norms, it may need to be escalated.
Was there Mutual Consent?
It's important to understand whether all rangatahi involved in viewing the pornography were consensually doing so. Pornography being shared or viewed without consent is cause for escalation.
Did the Behaviour Cause Distress?
Was any individual in this situation significantly impacted, injured or distressed by the viewing of the pornography? If other individuals were harmed (for instance, violent behaviour or masturbation injury), consider escalating this situation.
If Others were Involved, was There an Imbalance of Power?
Imbalance of power can involve age, development, authority or physical difference. It can be helfpul to consider the dynamics between those involved.
Example Assessment
This example evaluation outlines the variety of behaviours that exist in any scenario. It can help you pin-point when behaviours cross from green to orange or red territory.
Porn as an Educator
Toby is a 13-year-old who loves gaming, rugby and hanging with his mates. He has been hearing about sexual stuff, including porn, from his friend group. This sometimes makes him feel self-conscious, because he hasn't engaged with sex or pornography before. He wonders if he will ever understand what they are talking about...
While looking for gaming cheat codes online, an ad for porn appears on his browser.
Out of curiosity, Toby clicks on the link which opens up R18 adult content.
He is surprised at what he sees and anxious about getting caught. He doesn't want to lose his computer privileges.
Toby wants to search for more porn, feeling relieved he knows what everyone is talking about.
The next day, he searches for more porn and downloads a few videos, eager to show his friends.
After practice in the changing rooms, Toby plays the videos to some of his friends.
Just as the coach walks in, one of his mates yells out: "Toby's got porn!".
Assessing the harm
As porn was viewed by underage rangatahi, this would legally be considered a red scenario. However, because of how common this behaviour is, we would label it orange. Toby's motivation was to fit in with his friends, not to cause sexual harm. The intentional viewing of R18 adult content and the non-consensual, underage viewing in a public space is concerning.
Staying Safe
Safety is a priority when discussing sexualised behaviour. This can mean addressing any urgent concerns, but also creating an environment where rangatahi feel supported. In this section, we describe what safety means, now and later, for each relevant party.
Rangatahi
Creating a safe space for open communication is crucial for rangatahi to feel comfortable discussing their behaviour, feelings or concerns. By responding in a thoughtful manner, you can establish a foundation of trust while promoting their healthy wellbeing.
Now
- Communicate the limits of confidentiality so they're not blindsided
- Remember to ask for consent before talking about sensitive topics
- Respect the boundaries of rangatahi
- Have a calm, non-judgemental attitude throughout
- Avoid discussing the concern in front of others where possible
- Make active listening your best friend
- Avoid jargon or technical language
- Be sensitive to their cultural background
- Recognise when the situation needs escalating to another professional
Later
- Seek permission before involving their whānau, where possible
- Check for any wellbeing concerns that might result from informing their whānau
- Keep to the promised confidentiality, when possible
- Clarify boundaries before communicating with other parties
- After discussing any behaviour, refrain from referring to it casually
- If needed, make a clear time to follow up and discuss
Myself
When talking about sexualised behaviour, it's important to take care of yourself too. Here are some tips to keep yourself safe during these conversations:
Now
- Set your own boundaries before conversations
- Keep yourself updated on the latest best practices
- Check your biases and stay open-minded
- Avoid doing your own research into pornographic material
- Remember to care for yourself too
- Know when to escalate to someone else
- Call STOP if you need more advice
Later
- Keep up with supervision to ensure you are supported
- Press pause yourself. Take breaks by doing things you love
- Be aware of your own triggers and experiences
- Reach out for a chat with a trusted colleague or supervisor (encouraging privacy)
- Call STOP if you need more advice
Whānau
Though they might not be directly involved, the young person's whānau will often experience a range of emotions when faced with sexualised behaviour. Good communication and education is the best way to hold the mana and safety of all involved.
Now
- Ensure all family members are safe
- Encourage open and honest communication within the family
- Foster an atmosphere of trust and non-judgement
- Establish clear boundaries within the whānau
- Reinforce the importance of respect and consent
- Consider if siblings may be needing support with pornography
- Seek professional support if it feels too heavy
Later
- Promote education and awareness about healthy relationships, consent, and boundaries within the family
- Offer support for affected family members
- Encourage self-care practices for each family member
- Respect the confidentiality and privacy of all family members involved
Those Impacted
Addressing safety for those impacted by sexualised behaviour is crucial to their wellbeing. Here are some tips on how to approach it.
Now
- If someone is in immediate danger, prioritise their safety
- Establish a safe and non-judgmental space
- Show belief in the person's story and validate their experiences
- Empower them to make choices for their wellbeing
- Ensure those impacted know choosing their safety over any potential shame is important
- Adhere to professional codes of conduct and ethical guidelines
- Facilitate bringing in support or assistance
Later
- Explain it is common to feel impacts belatedly
- Normalise help-seeking, even down the line
- Provide cues for when to seek help (e.g. loss of sleep, loss of appetite, anxiety, avoidance, persistent fatigue, flashbacks, nightmares...)
- Reiterate safety and wellbeing come above shame
- Reassure about speaking up, at any point
Talk About It
Talking is a critical step in reflecting and moving forward. Take time to listen to the young person's perspective and give them the opportunity to think critically about their behaviour to collaboratively decide on next steps.
While pornography is, without question, a form of violence against women (...), we also need to see it as a form of violence against boys. To expose boys to images of sexual cruelty is to rob them of their right to develop sexually in ways that are authentic and developmentally appropriate
Conversation Starters
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It takes a lot of courage to discuss these things. I'm here to listen
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Can you share what's been going on lately? We might be able to find a good way forward
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Porn seems to be a big topic in your peer group. Do you feel this is a problem for you?
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I'm keen to understand your perspective. When did this viewing become difficult to manage?
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Are you aware of the risks linked to consuming pornography?
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Have you talked about porn with your whānau?
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Some people say that the sex talk should include a chat about pornography. Do you agree?
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Do you think this behaviour crosses any boundaries? At which point do you think it would cross a line legally / ethically?
Conversation Themes
Inviting Conversation
Use these prompts to invite kōrero with rangatahi. This section isn't about investigating the issue too deeply, but rather inviting rangatahi to open a dialogue with you.
PACE
Playfulness - Acceptance - Curiosity - Empathy
- If appropriate, use your relationship with rangatahi to engage in a way that is playful.
- Demonstrate acceptance by engaging non-judgmentally with rangatahi.
- Have curiosity, by enquiring and encouraging self-exploration.
- Be empathetic, considering the experience and perspective of rangatahi.
The C's of Responding
- Be CALM, no matter what you learn.
- CONNECT and be CURIOUS with rangatahi opposite you.
- Have COMPASSION and remember growing up is challenging.
- Consider CONTEXT to ensure you have all the needed information.
- CORRECT and COACH rangatahi to help them find healthy paths towards green behaviours.
Call it Out
- You've been viewing a lot of porn at school. It's not the right time and place. Let's talk about better settings for porn consumption.
- Viewing porn might feel good to you, but others may find it really distressing. It's not ok to send porn around your peers.
- There are age restrictions and laws regarding pornography viewing. Violating these laws can lead to serious consequences.
- Consuming too much porn can impact your overall health. Let's explore making better choices to keep you safe.
- There are healthier ways to learn about sex and relationships. Porn is a poor educator for real life, but there are some great resources out there.
Naive Enquiry
Naive enquiry uses open-ended and non-judgmental questions that don't assume any prior knowledge or information. These are designed to understand rangatahi better without overwhelming them:
- I'm curious...
- I'm wondering...
- I'm interested in hearing...
- Tell me about...
- Help me to understand...
Inviting Reflection
Use these prompts to dive deeper. This is a good time to build on the topics that came up during Inviting Conversation.
Attitudes and Beliefs
- Do you believe viewing pornography is positive or negative?
- Have you ever felt uncomfortable about something you've seen in pornography?
- Have you ever discussed pornography with peers. What are their views on it?
- Do you think there are healthier alternatives to learn about sex and relationships?
- Do you think pornography portrays minorities in a good light?
Fantasy vs Reality
- What do you think is missing from porn that is normally in intimate relationships?
- Do you think people would be happy to be treated like that in real life?
- Porn actors often have specific body types. How might this impact people's view of themselves in real life?
- Are you aware that some porn actors are injured as a result of the sex acts in porn?
- Would you say it's OK to watch people having sex in real life? Is that different from porn?
The Sociocultural Influence of Porn
- Porn is intended for adults. Do you know why this age restriction exists?
- Do you think porn portrays the importance of boundaries?
- Do you think porn impacts the way rangatahi treat each other in relationships?
- Are you aware that watching a lot of porn can affect real life sexual encounters and impact arousal?
- How do you think pornography might impact men and women differently?
Trust
- What does trust look like and feel like to you?
- What words would you use to describe someone who is trustworthy?
- What are the essential components of trust in a relationship?
- Trust is developed and demonstrated over time - would you agree?
- Do you think there is a difference between sexuality and intimacy?
- Do you think the messages in porn promote safety and being someone trustworthy?
Exploring Consent
- How would you describe consent?
- What do you think the role of communication and consent plays in relationships?
- Do you think pornography reflects consent and communication?
- Do you feel porn influences what you understand about consent?
- Do you think pornography has a responsibility to accurately depict consent and intimate sexual dynamics?
Please check ethical boundaries and professional body codes before asking any questions. Consider if someone else would be better suited to have these conversations.
Inviting Change
Use these prompts to explore opportunities for change. This is a good time to collaboratively explore how to move forward from the issue.
Dreams and Aspirations
- What would you like to be known and liked for?
- What do you think others want to be known and liked for?
- What kind of relationship would you like for the future?
- Are you proud of who you are becoming?
- Does porn fit with your hopes and dreams for the future?
Personal Responsibility
- What would people say about you if asked?
- Do you have positive role models and influences to help you make good choices moving forward?
- What do you need to do to keep yourself and others safe going forward?
- How can you uphold your own and others' mana?
- Urges aren't permanent. If you practice self-restraint (delay, distract, do something else) the urge will fade over time and lessen.
Accountability
- What happens if you don't take action or put things right?
- Are you ready to accept responsibility?
- Is there anything you could apologise for?
- How do you think you can take responsibility, and turn things around?
- How can this help you grow your values?
- Do you need help doing this?
Personal Ethics
- Beyond sexual gratification, why else might you be viewing porn?
- Are there more positive, less harmful ways of approaching these issues?
- A side effect of porn can be isolation. How can you reduce this risk?
- What things are you missing out on or sacrificing because of porn?
- Do you know the difference between R18 and objectionable material?
- What are your strategies to stay away from objectionable material?
- If you continue to use porn, how can you ensure you and others aren't harmed?
Please check ethical boudaries and professional body codes before asking any questions. Consider if someone else would be better suited to have these conversations.
Moving Forward
Change is possible when rangatahi receive the right support and strategies. Allowing them to learn, acquire new skills and embrace healthier behaviours is key in empowering them to move forward.
Accountability
At times, rangatahi need to be held accountable by responsible adults, particularly if behaviour has been repeated.
Short Term
- Rangatahi should have their web history available for transparency and/or supervision
- Free access to devices should be restricted for a time
- Device contracts should be reviewed
- Rangatahi should apologise and repair the situation when appropriate
Longer Term
- Ongoing digital safety education and monitoring should be introduced
- Devices should be monitored by whānau at home
- Open and direct communication should be encouraged between home, the community and school
- Clear boundaries should be set in place
Education
When rangatahi have more understanding and knowledge, they are better informed to make good choices.
Short Term
- Encourage education on digital literacy and responsibility, consent, social skills and healthy relationships
- Ensure awareness of the legal implications related to sexual behaviour
- They should be encouraged to understand their impact on others, their own reputation and future
Longer Term
- Encourage the rangatahi's education on healthy relationships, mutuality and consent, the law and legal consequences
- Introduce the Harmful Digital Communication Act (2015), as well as the Films, Videos and Publications Classification Act (1993)
Critical Consumption
If rangatahi can think critically about their consumption of porn, this will help them tackle its impacts with all the needed tools.
Short Term
- Start a conversation on what themes within pornography may be unrealistic in real life
- Encourage awareness of harmful messages or themes present in pornography (for instance, the pairing of sex and violence)
- Practise recognising motivations and intent of viewing. Recognise curiosity and desire to watch is usually temporary - delay, distract, do something else.
Longer Term
- Encourage awareness of more subtle impactful themes (for instance, sex being a performance)
- Work towards a goal of reduced or zero pornography
Positive Role Models & Influences
Moving forward can be supported through encouraging rangatahi to seek out positive role models and influences.
Short Term
- Identify positive role models and influences to emulate. These people can be from personal spheres, social media or live in the wider community
- Recognise and identify the benefits of following positive influences
- Examine the rangatahi's personal ethics and align them to mana-enhancing practices
- Scrutinise pornography culture and identify beliefs that can cause harm
- Encourage working towards becoming someone they are proud of
- Provide positive reinforcement
Longer Term
- Communicate your high hopes for the rangatahi
- Provoke a desire to strive towards expectations
- Create a goal for the rangatahi where they become an ambassador of their own learning and influence their own peer group
Communication & Support from Whānau
Being quick to inform and communicate clearly with whānau and carers is critical to ensuring ongoing safety and healthy change.
Short Term
- Inform the whānau and carers early and frequently keep them up to date
- Use clear and factual language to explain the behaviour
- Explain the rationale for each action and consequence
- Involve the whānau in problem-solving
- Develop a clear, time-bound plan with the whānau and carers that they feel comfortable supporting and following through
- Document your findings
Longer Term
- Check-in and address any concerns as soon as they arise
- Make yourself or someone suitable available to follow up with whānau and carers whenever needed
- Be open and supportive, encouraging the whānau and acknowledging their efforts and successes
- Offer counseling, pastoral care, kaumatua where available
Personal Growth
Encouraging rangatahi to have a more informed view of porn and how it impacts them is key to moving forward.
Short Term
- Explore the idea that the curiosity doesn't last forever. Delaying or doing something else can help.
- Encourage making critical choices on porn viewing for yourself, friends, relationships and whānau.
- Work towards being fully informed of the impact of choices on yourself and others (whether on personal health, wellbeing, whānau, thoughts or feelings)
Longer Term
- Continue reflecting on the intent and reasoning around porn viewing.
- Practice making choices around porn and aspiring to be someone you want to be.
- Consciously develop the lens to see how porn shapes our culture and impact people's lives.
Involving Others
At times, sexual behaviours may warrant you involving the rangatahi's close ones or appropriate professionals. Read more on when to reach them and how.
When
- Any orange or red behaviour around pornography has been reported
- Rangatahi has not responded to correction
- You are concerned about the impact their behaviour could have on others
How
- Inform the rangatahi prior to contacting whānau/carers
- Prioritise safety for the rangatahi first
- Call whānau/carers and invite them in for a face-to-face conversation as soon as possible
- Follow-up and check-in using the whānau/carer's preferred method
- Also contact parents of other rangatahi who may have been exposed to the pornography, and apply the above
When
- When someone has been impacted by orange or red behaviour
- To offer support and recognise a boundary has been crossed
- To discuss referral to services, counselling or offer of pastoral care
- To hear their perspective on an incident
- To seek their input into the process for restoration / apology / reporting
How
- If the young person is willing to engage
- Communicate with care, giving rangatahi options when possible
- Reiterate their safety is a priority and acknowledge that shame, fear and other emotions may be present
- Reinforce their agency and ability to make choices if they do or do not want to act
When
- There is rationale for informing teachers (for instance, the person impacted is in their class)
- There are practical considerations (for instance, when pornography has been viewed at school or restrictions are in place around the access to platforms)
How
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved
- Remember to abide by school and organisational policies/procedures
When
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved
- Remember to abide by school and organisational policies/procedures
How
- Find the best people to speak to depending on age, context and the need for expertise
- Inform whānau/carers of the concerning behaviour being targeted and context
- Communicate with discretion while upholding the privacy of all involved, where possible
When
- Behaviour is recognised as red, call STOP for a phone consult
- When objectionable material has been viewed
- When pornography has been created by rangatahi under 18 years old
- When pornography scripts have been acted out
- The behaviour is orange and has potential to impact the ability for rangatahi to attend school
- There are historic concerns regarding the young person's sexual behaviour
How
Call STOP (WellSTOP or SAFE Network) at 03 353 0257
When
- A red behaviour has occured and advice is needed from Police or Police Youth Aid about the law
- An impacted person wants to lay a complaint
- Laws have been broken or a criminal offence is evident
- Educational level input is warranted (via School Community Officer) for persistent orange behaviours
- When your Child Protection Policies indicate contacting the Police is needed
How
- Call your local Police Station - Call your Child Protection Team or Lead Police Contact (Schools)
- For emergencies, dial 111
What if... ?
These kōrero with rangatahi can sometimes be confronting and trigger a variety of reactions. This is completely normal. Here are some tips to navigate some of the trickier responses you might come across.
- Stay calm yourself
- Ensure your immediate safety and theirs
- Acknowledge their anger
- Explore where their anger might be coming from
- Offer understanding
- Search for solutions
- Offer to take a break
- Use information carefully and factually
- Create understanding that there are different stories
- Give them the opportunity to share their perspective
- Find the points of agreement
- Explore the points of disagreement
- Ensure non-judgement and blame
- Reassure their behaviour doesn't define them and can be worked through
- Anticipate this by noticing signs of disagreement or distress
- Stay calm and co-regulate
- Offer to have a break and resume later
- Be empathetic of their state of mind
- Remind them how useful collaboration can be
- Encourage resolution and ensure safety
- Prepare for various responses before sharing the story
- Create a safe and calm environment for discussion
- Use factual, non-judgemental language
- Show empathy and kindness for all individuals
- Acknowledge strong feelings
- Offer breaks if the conversation becomes too overwhelming
- Prioritise safety for all individuals
- Follow procedures if the situation escalates
- First, check your values: are you open to different perspectives?
- Ask the rangatahi to evaluate their behaviour from different settings
- Consider values set by the law, school etc as a reference
- Recognise the young person's development stage. Values can evolve with time and experience
- Be hopeful for their growth
- Listen and validate their experience
- Separate their disclosure from their concerning / harmful actions
- Acknowledge their difficulties
- Ensure immediate safety for all individuals
- Support their agency by asking their preference on how to move forward
- Support them in getting help
- Listen, empathise and validate their feelings
- Have compassion
- Acknowledge how these feelings might be impacting them
- Help them regulate and get calm (break, breathe, walk and talk, peer support)
- Reassure them that all things can be worked through and faced together
- Offer to be a support
- Identify some personal strengths or characteristics and emphasize them to show rangatahi they have the tools they need to move forward
- Promote self-compassion and the importance of giving themselves time and space